GRAND TOURISSIMO (Paul O’Brien)

I’m writing a book for the tourists

I’m calling it “How to Survive”

Handed out on the ‘plane by “Bord Failte”

So they can read it before they arrive

There’ll be tips on what to be wearing

What to do and places to go

With background stories and legends

And gossip that they all should know

You should never swim in the Liffey

All be it so temping and wet

Even if locals entice you

By offering twenty pound bets

You’ll get caught up in prams or in bedsprings

Old cars or a castaway fridge

Or get covered in spit and in vomit

From the drunks up on O’Connell Bridge

Upstairs on a bus with no top on

You can take in all of the sights

But a roofless double-decker‘s

No fun on a dark rainy night

Don’t be fooled by the pictures they’ve put

In the City-Tour Special brochures

They’ve been photo-shopped back at head quarters

By a couple of CIE whores

The book will include a free voucher

For lunch in the Darndale Hilton

You’ll notice the girl at reception

Has her finest knacker quilt on

The piccolos look a bit shifty

And the doorman unfriendly and gruff

If you venture to visit the local

They’ll warn you with “Jazus da’s rough!”